Miss Sophie and I set out on our walk yesterday morning.
The grass was wet with dew and sparkled like a crop of diamonds had grown there overnight. Nature was showing off her bling.
As we walked on, I noticed a lovely moth in our yard. So pretty and different looking. Her body was sizable, as were her wings. They were the loveliest shade of light, light green. She was breathtakingly beautiful. And there she sat. Being adored and appreciated, as she should be.
When we came back from our morning constitutional, I noticed my new friend seemed to be floundering. She’d take off, hover just inches above the ground and land, seconds later, only a few inches from where she had begun. She appeared to be confused or lost or…..
I called out for our Princess to come and get Miss Sophie, so I could focus my attention on the lovely moth. I approached her as quietly and gently as something that would appear to be a monster or giant could. I tried to hold my finger out for her to climb on. I kept thinking if I could get her to dry land, she’d be better off. Maybe her wings could dry, and she could soar again. But it seemed that my being close only worried her more. I looked for a stick, but I could find none. As I looked a little closer, it appeared to me that in the few minutes I’d been gone, her wings were even more ragged than before.
Had the dew done that?
I found myself about to curse the dew that just a short time before I had been thrilled and mesmerized by. If I were to curse it now, would that mean I’d want to curse it every single morning? Would I begin my day with the darkness of anger and sadness weighing on my heart?
Instead, I looked at the little one as she prepared to leave this world. It’s been a while since I watched one lovely and loved prepare to die–since I had to let go. It was surreal, with the last of the dew still glistening and the light and warmth from the sun kissing the day as it started off on its journey.
All while this one’s journey was ending.
And there was nothing I could do about it.
I whispered words of thanks for this life, whose beauty crossed my path for such a short while and bid her peace and a painless passing as she eased herself onto the grass for the last time.
Tonight as I thought again about watching one prepare to leave, I remembered something that happened about seven or eight years ago. Our cat had kittens, and she was funny about moving them until she found just the right spot. It was almost a game, wondering where did Mama Kitty take her kittens now. This particular afternoon, I decided to have a little “lie down,” and I went to my bedroom at the back of the house. I had just closed my eyes, when I heard the persistent mewling of a cat. A kitten to be exact. I looked out the window and could see nothing. I went out and followed the sound. She had moved those kittens up into the top of the playhouse/swingset. The very top. And one of them–was it Denim…..or Lace (Aub had named the two black ones herself)–was hanging by its neck between two floorboards.
The little four week old kitten was doing her best to let the world know she didn’t think this was okay. As soon as I saw her, I moved quickly and lifted her gently out of her predicament. She meowed a couple more time, rather indignantly, I might add, and then she settled down and was ready to go about her business of being a kitten.
A precious little life.
I’m not sure why that came to my mind tonight when I thought back to yesterday and the moth and other times I’ve said goodbye. I’m glad it did. It made me smile to remember one time that we had a happy ending. The one time that my wanting a nap served us all well. The one time I didn’t have to say goodbye and let someone I loved go.
Tonight I’m thankful for the light and the dewdrops and long lives well lived. I’m thankful for the tears that fall for the lovely and loved whom we have to let go. The darkness cannot hold me, for the morning will come and bring with it the sun and the light and the dew.
For it is not all black and white, joyful or sad, kind or evil, good or bad.
And neither are any of us.
May we all seek and find some light in the midst of the dark, hope in the pain of loss.
Love to all.