The winds of change are blowing.
Still? you ask.
Yes.
But surely after Mess Cat moving to town, and Aub going off to college all by her big girl self, and starting Sister Circle a month ago, and the new puppy, and Sister’s adventure last week…..Tara, are you sure? Maybe it’s just the settling you have left to do after all of THAT.
You’d think so, wouldn’t you?
But no, I’m pretty sure about this. There’s something still stirring from within or without or around in the air above me. Wherever, I’m fairly certain there’s still one thing more waiting on us, on me.
It might have something to do with a simple cupcake story I heard last night that made me cry those quiet, warm tears. Turns out, after all those years of being a Daddy’s girl, maybe I’m more like my Mama than I thought. And I’m really, really okay with that.
Or I might just over think things.
A lot.
This afternoon, during a day so full of things that I really needed an entourage to keep my mini-entourage straight, Cooter asked about spelling the word “duck.”
I tried to get him to sound it out. *sigh* Then our Princess helped me help him figure it out. He finally had it. And he kept saying the letters over and over “d-u-c-k, d-u-c-k, d-u-c-k” until it ran together, sounding like he was saying, “Did you see Kay?”
Princess laughed and said, “Hey that’s how you can remember how to spell it, say that to yourself, ‘Did you–‘”
Cooter interrupted. “Or I could just write it down and look at it when I need to know.”
I laughed. “Yeah, that could work too, buddy.”
I’m glad he doesn’t try to overcomplicate things. Like his Mama does.
But then again, life is complicated. Things are hard. And sad. And broken. All too often.
Today we had Sister Circle. K who came last week and encouraged me in my own art exploration was having a hard week and didn’t come in for our gathering. One step forward, three or four back. And T who has been there EVERY WEEK wasn’t there at all. Someone said they haven’t seen her in a few days. I won’t lie, I’m worried. All the relationships she’s been in had a similar thread–abuse. I hope she is okay. But there’s really no way to know until she comes back in.
There are new little babies fighting against things that like to work on their tiny bodies. Why they should have to fight so hard, and why I can’t just swoop in and fix it–I don’t know, but that’s heartbreaking and more than a little upsetting.
There are tired Mamas in this world, trying their best to care for their little ones. Or big ones. Or ones of all sizes. And they don’t have the support that all kinds of Mamas need. There are hard-working women who keep hitting a ceiling or have different expectations set for them simply because they are women. Or they are trying to balance it all at the same time and they find out Wonder Woman is a fictional character. No way she really exists. Work hard, they’re labeled aggressive; not hard enough, they are acting “like a girl.” Like the contestants on American Idol when facing the judges who all give polar opposite critiques, these women must feel very confused and more than a little bit frustrated.
There are young people trying to do what is right, to speak their minds, to share their thoughts and ideas–which are pretty good ones actually, but the adults in their lives too often either ignore these young people or don’t really hear what is being shared.
I wish I could get in my car and drive around until I find T. I wish K was more open to talking today. I would love to have the medical knowledge to be able to make these little babies better and stronger faster. For healing. I want to pick up a broom and a skillet and make life easier for these tired Mamas. To tell them that one day it will get better. Maybe. And see their eyes light up for a moment that there might possibly be some truth in that statement. I wish I could help the women struggling with their jobs or work situations or balancing it all to see just how precious they really are. No one can do it all, but because they don’t stop trying their best, they are doing an awful lot of good in the world. I wish I knew where Mac was and if he’s okay. I take that back, if I’m going to wish, I wish his addiction into oblivion.
I keep hearing the Elvis song, “If I Can Dream,” playing in my head. Written by Walter Earl Brown, the last lines of the song are–
Deep in my heart there’s a tremblin’ question
Still I am sure that the answer’s gonna come somehow
Out there in the dark, there’s a beckoning candle, yeah
And while I can think, while I can talk
While I can stand, while I can walk
While I can dream, please let my dream
Come true, ohhhhh, right now
Let it come true right now
That looking for the light–that beckoning light of hope. I keep looking in anticipation that it is actually there. But the lines in the middle of the song are the ones that hit home the hardest.
We’re lost in a cloud
With too much rain
Were trapped in a world
That’s troubled with pain
But as long as a man
Has the strength to dream
He can redeem his soul and fly
I’m not sure which way the winds are blowing this time or what’s coming down the pike, but I find comfort in the redeeming of my soul in the midst of a cloud with too much rain. And l may not be able to do all the things that I dream of doing, but perhaps if I can do just one even, then maybe that will make a tiny bit of difference somewhere and become a beckoning candle for someone else.
In the meantime I find peace and joy in the laughter of littles, who are growing way too fast, being chased by a little white and black ball of fluff across the dew-covered grass. And in the voice and writings and strength of a young woman learning to make it on her own. And in the caring voices of those I love. Those are the things that give me the strength to dream. And not just stop there, but to move on to what comes next. To do. Because that’s what keeps the beckoning candles lit in this world. The dreaming and the doing.
I Might Need A Nap 