I’ve been up since five this morning. And I’ve not had a nap today. Neither of these things was planned, nor did they contribute to my general pleasantness today. But I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet. (Besides I might need it for next year’s Towel Day…..never throw in a perfectly good towel.)
I woke up to the sound of a cat yowling. Just outside my bedroom window. I turned on the porch light and looked out. I saw what looked like a calico cat huddled on the corner of the deck. Upon closer inspection a few minutes later, I realized it was the black and green soccer ball one of our crew left out there. Ummm, yeah. (Note to self–schedule eye appointment. Soon.) Rather than being the return of the stray who serenaded our girl kitty a couple of months ago, I realized our big boy, Sugar, had busted the screen and gotten out. We got him back in and I made the necessary repairs (well, mending for the time being is a better way of describing it I suppose–Gorilla tape is the bomb!). I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I finished reading my book in the quiet, which was a rare treat.
The littles and I had an outing first thing this morning. After we arrived, I saw I had an email from the neighborhood folks. A gator has been seen in the pond at the other end of our street and he’s been hanging out in some of the yards around it. So that sounds about right. My mind immediately went to what could have happened if we hadn’t found our cat this morning. Sugar, whom we rescued last year when he was three weeks old from whatever got him and beat him up pretty bad, whom I bottlefed and worried over, escaped just as there’s a gator on the prowl. Oh my stars. I was overwhelmed. I don’t want to lose him that way. Or at all. I have to make sure this doesn’t happen again. I could feel the panic rising. That’s what all the grief and brokenness and hard times of the past four years has done. I have panic attacks from time to time. I look like Mike Wazowski from Monsters, Inc./Monster U.
Or not. Not making light of panic attacks by any means, but that feeling lost and “not knowing what to do at all” look that you see in his face? Yeah, that’s it.
I am working my way through them. Today I gave myself a pep talk. Told myself I could handle this. One. Step. At. A. Time. And I did. I talked and laughed with my Aunt. For a long time. (Sorry.) I changed some plans and rearranged my thoughts, and by afternoon, I could hear Mama, “This too shall pass.” She said that a lot. She’d also say, “Well if that’s the worse thing that ever happens to us, we’ll be all right.” Or, “Well, at least they’re not shooting bullets at us.” She was right. I did feel the worry and upset and panic passing. Sugar was back to his old self, no longer the crazed cat of 5 a.m. that refused to acknowledge me calling his name and telling him he needed to come back inside. By late morning he had forgiven me and was back to being our happy, curious indoor cat that we all love.
I am trying to learn not to let these moments overwhelm me. I am trying not to let people and their issues steal my joy. I am working really hard on tolerance and patience as well. These things called Grief and Loss and Death have also turned me into one great big eye roll. (Can you imagine Mike Wazowski doing an eye roll? Yeah, that’s what I feel like too sometimes.) I just don’t have the patience with some situations or some attitudes like I used to. Is it a side effect of grieving? Is it my age? Is it that I think life is too short to waste time on things that really don’t matter in the long run? Maybe some of all three.
All I know is that tonight I’m okay. I made it through today. The gator didn’t eat my cat. I will find Sugar a new family (due to allergies, it just has to happen). Right now at this moment, it’s all okay. It’s different, but it’s okay. I made a game plan and kept breathing. I cannot let myself think about tomorrow. I just have to do the NOW. And some days that’s as good as it gets. Oh, and I only rolled my eyes twice today I think. Not too bad for a Monday.