the carrier

the cold had wrapped itself around me

and seeped into my bones

I longed for warmth to break its spell

 

as I put the dishes away

I found the bowl still hot to the touch

and without thinking

I held it close

 

my hands were thankful,

and as relief found its way into my fingers

I pulled it closer

and

I thought of you

 

who lay in the other room

on the floor

playing and building and so much bigger

than when you came into this world

a joy to behold

nearly eight years ago

 

I once held you close like this

and the warmth that was you

held at bay the bitter chill of life

and season

 

and when summer came

and the heat surrounded us

still I carried you

 

on one hip or another

 

and the sticky warmth of sweat

from holding you close all that summer

was precious

your damp cheeks

and the moisture in the crevices of your arms

are sweet memories

like the smell of the honeysuckle growing

along my Granny’s fence

 

I remember your warm breath on my cheek

as the sun faded into night

and we watched the stars come out

and the heat of the earth knew no end

a gentle reminder that life goes on

no matter how many stars may fall

from the sky

 

and today though you are no longer small

you are always my baby

this ‘other being’ I am fascinated that

my body brought to life

 

when others ask me

‘do you miss carrying a little one around?’

I reply ‘Oh but I have never stopped’

and I know that even though I may weep from the cold

my heart will always be warm

for that is where I carry you

and your love warms my soul

 

 

I am the carrier

of toy cars and books and forgotten Ewoks

of secrets and treasures and jokes

that only a Mama would laugh at

I am the carrier of memories

and stories

and quotes from years ago

I am the carrier of silly songs

and of handkerchiefs to wipe noses

and the tears

 

and I am the carrier of you

my little one, last born,

prince of my heart,

the one whom I call son

whose smile is a light in my world

and whose laughter fills my life with joy

 

I am the carrier of you

and all the love and light you are

not just for nine months

or two years

but for always

I don’t remember the last time

I gently put you down after

carrying you in my arms

 

but I will always carry you

tucked away, inside my heart

warming my soul, for always