the parts of me that never were

I huddle in the back of the cold room

and lift the lid of the wooden chest in the corner,

in the bottom right

there is the faded cardboard box

I lift it out and gently take the lid off

 

the tissue paper is just as I remember

a bit more yellowed, some disintegrating

between my worn fingers

 

and then, there amongst the wisps

and clouds of tissue

are what I’ve tucked away over the years

 

the dreams

 

from all the years–

the silly and the real,

the big ones and the small,

barely dared to be breathed aloud ones

 

dreams of being

a teacher

a veterinarian

the first female president

dreams of writing a book

of starting a home for those with none

of dancing under the starlight on the deck of a ship

of wearing an elegant gown in a castle

 

the dreams of singing with a favorite star

or of acting on the stage again

or of seeing the Space Needle or

walking down a snow-covered street

in New York City at Christmas

 

of traveling across the country in an RV

 

dreams that, one at a time,

I’ve let go of

and tucked

unceremoniously

in this box

 

as I touch them and feel them

and wrap my heart around each one

I no longer feel the loss

or sadness over letting each one go

they are fading memories of a time gone by,

of a person I used to be

almost a comfort

like an old, familiar quilt

or a story I’ve read over and over

 

and memorized in my heart

 

they are all a part of me

and yet they never were

 

############################

 

Today our Princess was beaming as she told Mess Cat that since she will be eleven in almost a year, she will be expecting her letter from Hogwart’s next year–or the next, since school will have already started for them at the school of magic when she has her birthday.  I asked her did she really think she would leave us and go live there, and our bright and shining girl smiled and said with a wave of her hand–“Oh I will write…..I can use the owls to send letters back.”

She dreams big, and she is happy living in the dream for now.  It is my hope that she can tuck it away with a heart filled with peace one day, and that her heart won’t break when her letter doesn’t arrive.

 

Big, beautiful dreams and love to all.