Spaghetti Pants and Coffee

Today was one of those days with good and hard so jumbled up together, it’s hard to see one without the other.

Which works really well if you are trying not to focus on the negative…..there’s always some positive to think upon.

It was a day of putting my big girl boots on and closing another set of doors to the past.

I hate contemplating the idea of “last time.”

Oh there’s some last times that are good.  But today had the potential to be the “last time” of going to a place that built me.  A place filled with memories of little me, and little littles.  The last time–inconceivable.  I just couldn’t bear the thought.  Seen in the rearview mirror, it all becomes more precious.

But I put on my big girl boots and went and did what I had to do.

To say goodbye one more time.  To sign my name once more.  To take care of business.  To let it go.

I’ve been spending way too much time with lawyers and in courtrooms lately, it seems.  All towards the end and closure, but still.

No, death is not the final word because there is one more after that–estate.

Which I’ve pretty much deemed an ugly word.  One that makes people do things they wouldn’t normally, one that can bring out love and patience or greed and selfishness.  Take your pick.  I’ve seen both.

But in the midst of the day, I looked down and I noticed I had spaghetti sauce on my good jeans.  (I was dressed up for all this big girl business stuff.)  And I laughed.  I near about started crying, and then I laughed again.

Imagine all those folks I made feel better about themselves today because they could say, “Huh.  I’m not doing too bad.  Look at that girl.  She might have those cute big girl boots on, but she has spaghetti sauce on her pants…..”  and then they’d laugh and laugh.

That thought brought me so much joy you just don’t know.

I mean, if I can make other folks laugh and feel okay about themselves–well, that’s something, isn’t it?

Today was hard.  But tonight I’m thankful for phone calls from brothers, listening to the tears and saying just the right words.  And for the laughter.  Oh he can make me laugh too, with or without spaghetti sauce on his pants.  I give thanks for a sweet Princess who sat through the day of thingstodo and drew all different kinds of fashion outfits, complete with accessories, in her little notebook.  This week she’s a fashion designer and actually quite good.  I smile at the curiosity in my baby boy, who found a pamphlet about “Identity Theft” and read all about it as we sat waiting at the bank.  He’s quirky, and I like him that way.  Today I give thanks for folks whose stories intertwine with mine, and how the shared tears over remembering those we’ve lost brings two people together faster than almost anything else (except food maybe?).  I appreciate the gift of being shown through a house I once knew every inch of like it was the back of my hand, just to put my heart and mind at peace that it’s being cared for and loved.  Precious people.  Most of all though, tonight I’m thankful for an amazing doctor, who, when I asked if there was such a thing as me drinking too much coffee (I was quite serious), answered, “No.  Not at Christmas!” And then he laughed so jovially I couldn’t help but join in.  Now that’s a man who really cares about his patients!

This evening after supper, Cooter was walking around with the music maker playing Katy Perry’s “Roar” over and over.  Once I even heard him singing it from the bathroom.  It’s quiet now, but I looked up the lyrics (written by Katy Perry, Bonnie Mc Kee, Dr. Luke, Max Martin, and Cirkut), and I think he might just have picked up on his Mama’s spirit and feelings about today and was trying to give me a boost–bless him.

Here’s the first bit:
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

 

Some days a little roaring is a good thing, and today was one such day.  I fell down but I got back up, brushed the dust off my boots, and danced through the fire that was today.

Doesn’t mean there won’t be more fires…..

(surefire certain there will be)

but it does mean I can get through them.

With spaghetti pants and coffee, no less…..

because I’m a fighter.

And doors may close, but I will keep on keeping on.

Wishing you all the energy to get back up…..and roar.

Love to all.