Today I went back home to my Alma Mater for our Alumnae weekend events. As I headed north and got on I-475, I was faced with a choice. Take the exit that I used to take when I was a student there, the same one Mama took when she was a Wesleyanne, or I could go further north, take the next exit, and use the main road to get there. I deliberated on this longer than you might think. I am a backroads kind of girl, but the “old” way would take me past many ghosts from the past, and I wasn’t sure if I could handle that today or not.
But I decided why not. And so I went in the back way.
I drove along the road
the same one I had traveled many
many times before
The ponds that are harder to see now,
that’s how my little brother learned to count
one pond, two ponds…..five ponds
on his way with Mama to her classes
While she learned he stayed at the little school
that is still there
The same road I drove back and forth for four years
with a heart filled with angst and dreams of love
(it seems to go with that age, doesn’t it?)
and a glimpse of a future beyond the campus where I learned
and grew and laughed and found
sisters
Sisters whom only grow more dear
to me
as I grow older
Before,
back then
I worried over this and that,
a bit uncomfortable with letting
anyone close enough
to know all I carried inside,
what must be so different
that they wouldn’t want to see
So I lived and loved but that isn’t me anymore,
not all me anyway
Maybe that’s why I worried over
going back and squeezing back into
who I was
back then
The thing I learned today
and I keep learning
with life and years and time
is that we all felt that way
about something
but the older we get
the more beautiful we all are
because we let the light from within
shine brightly
not hidden under a bushel of insecurities
and worries over being different
The light shines
and the laughter is a beautiful melodious song
as we share stories on the porches,
in the rocking chairs
that hold those stories dear
The stories we share and those of our sisters before us
and we hold close the knowing
that we are more alike than different–
and it doesn’t even matter anymore
We love, we listen, we laugh over
children and spouses and times gone by
and in the whisper of the breeze there is a
promise that the ghosts are gone now
and it is time to start again,
a mid-life adventure of sorts
Giving the grace that we offer others
so freely
we give also to ourselves
And as all the voices were raised in song,
singing the words sung by many before
and many after me
“Hail Wesleyan, thy emblem of all that is grand…..”
I looked up and the ceiling faded away
and there was a dark night sky
filled with stars and the voices lifted in song
Echoing in the cool night air
at my last time around the fountain
with those sisters
and I cried then over saying goodbye
and the not knowing what would come
Today there were tears
But different
Tears from laughter
of joy
of saying hello to my sisters
and hello to this peace in me
It was dark when I set out on the road
for the home where I lay my head
The stars were the same ones who
have watched over us from the beginning
And their light was bright
Just like mine
Love to all–go and let your light shine brightly.
Go love her.
I Might Need A Nap 
I love you. That is all.
That’s all I need. Love you right back.
My breath caught in my chest a bit as I read your lovely post. I only (and in many ways, regrettably) spent a year at Wesleyan, but the majority of my very best college memories are from that very special time. My boys and I made an impromptu visit to campus during the summer of 2012. I literally could feel the ghosts of my past swirling around me as I strolled the familiar paths. The trip down memory lane was bittersweet; one cannot put a price on the value of perspective.
Michelle, thank you. For reading, for sharing your story, and for your kind words. I am glad you have the good memories from your time at Wesleyan. The ghosts from our past do seem to be stronger in some places than in others, don’t they? I hope your trip down memory lane leaves you with more laughter than tears. Thanks again for sharing. Please come visit again. ❤
When I came to your room for refuge “back in the day”, you always gave me strength and renewed my spirit. And once again, you have done it. Well said, as always.
Girl, whatever you got you gave back ten thousand fold. From that very first day I saw you when I visited on PS Weekend, and you were waiting for your pizza in the date parlor in Persons to sharing stories yesterday, I knew you were and are someone beautiful inside and out with the gift of making those around you feel loved and filled with joy and laughter. I have always been lucky to have you as my Oenone. Thank you for reading and for taking time to share your sweet words. Just one question, have you found that bag? 😉 Love you.
Dana- this is such an absolutely moving piece that so beautifully articulates the feelings and realizations that seem so prevalent in the life of a woman in her mid-thirties, especially those of us who were privileged enough to have receive a women’s college education. You’re right- that time in our lives seemed so filled with angst that very few or any of us really recognized our own inner light. Looking back, however, I know I saw the inner light of the young women around me even though I couldn’t yet see my own. I think that is why I will always feel connected with my college sisters because they were probably the first (besides my parents) to recognize my inner beauty and they remind me not of who I was but the potential I will always have to be an amazing women.
Well said and beautifully put. Thank you for sharing your own story. I hadn’t thought of it like that, but you are right. I think my college sisters are likely, just as you say, the first ones who saw my inner beauty. (outside of my folks) Thank you for taking time to read and for making time to share your thoughts. That means so much to me. Please drop by again soon.