some days
it is incomprehensible
that life keeps going
that the world keeps turning
that laundry still piles up
family still needs to be fed
some days
it is beyond my ability
to do more than what absolutely has to be done
even now,
even still
after all this time
always
the missing and the hurting
it ebbs and flows
like joy and sorrow taking turns touching my toes
in the sand of this life
and neither will ever really go away
for without the one,
can there truly be knowledge of the other?
joy for the times that were
sorrow for the times that could never be
joy for the memories made
sorrow for the plans that never happened
in and out of my heart
the sights, sounds, and smell of you
yesterday I cried
when I smelled cinnamon baking
because it made me think of Christmas
when you were still here
and all was okay
contextually speaking, as we used to say
some days the laundry and the cooking
and the pots that need scrubbing
are why I rise and make the bed
and for the little ones of course
for the children they do not grieve as I do
they do not weep over lost moments
they sing songs and speak of you with a smile
and share what they have planned for when they see you again
as they are sure they will do
some days I give thanks for the things that need doing
they fill my mind and my hands
and my freezer and cake plates
some days when I am busy it is easier than
when I am not
but some days
some days
are not easy at all
you are loved and missed and given thanks for each day
love
Today a friend got the sad news surrounding the words “nothing else we can do” for her Daddy. My heart aches for her. Those words bring so much pain and worry and tears, and they require a paradigm shift. I have friends who have stayed in the hospitals so much lately with those they love. And I have heard of so many who are sick or grieving, here, right here in the midst of the beauty of the earth shaking off the slumber of winter, and as people call out to each other for the first time in weeks, “Alleluia!” It is hard to fathom and wrap your brain around the idea that the whole world is not grieving with you. That is where I have walked on more than one occasion. It makes you want to cry out to everyone, “How are you still going and doing and functioning?” Or it makes you want to crawl back in the bed and shut it all out. I’ve been down both of those paths. This is for all of us who wonder why the earth doesn’t come to a screeching halt in its orbit when our worlds surely seem to be falling apart. Love to all of you.
I Might Need A Nap 