oh September

time to bid you farewell
though it seems that you just walked across the grass wet with dew
a few short mornings ago
knocked on the door
satchel in tow, announcing your arrival

there you stood
dressed in your blue jumper
pants rolled up and barefooted from summer,
pockets filled with this and that
trinkets of days gone by
and as each day came you insisted
on sitting together, pulling them out
one by one,
rubbing each one over and over
in your weathered hands
with recognition and remembrance
until the sheen was nearly blinding

you have brought me some of my greatest treasures
and you have been the beginning of my saddest stories
you are like the evenings that come with you–
the impending darkness coming sooner and sooner
and the clouds above more ominous than before

the songs you sing make me smile
and fill my eyes with tears–
the little ones and old,
whose hands I held for the first time
and the last
will always come to mind when I see you
and I thank you for that

still I’m not entirely sad to see you go
what good would it do anyway?
time presses on, unbearably weighty
like the humid air you claim as your own,
sometimes making it hard to breathe,
and I have no choice to but to rise and welcome you,
sitting with you as you remember and remind me
and then just as we reach a companionable silence,
you leave

me alone

to face all the other days that follow,
days that insist on festivities, joy, and cheer

thank you for the grace you bring
this reprieve after the light, airy days of summer
demanding so little,
merely that I listen
and hear our stories
once again

tuck away your treasures
and mind you take care now,
mend that pocket so you don’t lose any of our precious memories

and don’t catch cold as you head out into the dark, damp night
there’s so much that can happen in a year
and I don’t think I can bear it all again without you

Not Today

On days when you say, more than once, “I can’t do this anymore” and consider putting an ad out there for an adult to come and take over because making one more decision does not sound like anything you are going to be doing this day, here is what I know is good:

*Children (young and grown) dancing to the Gummy Bear song.

*Walks in the finally not freezing cold weather.

*Stepping away from the things that are sapping your energy and time–if only for a few minutes.  Just walk away.  It’ll still be there.  That I can promise.

*Laughing over a parody watched with people you love.

*Chocolate.  Always.

*Cold coffee.  (Or you know, hot, if you prefer it that way)

*Watching Elton John singing karaoke to his own songs.  (“Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”  I.  Am. DONE.)

*Finishing up a major undertaking and giving yourself a high five.

*Knowing it’s almost bedtime and tomorrow is another day.  Another chance for things to right themselves.  Well, with a little help.  But yeah.  Mercies anew in the morning.

Here’s hoping that one of these things brings you a smile and brightens your day.  Or better yet, here’s hoping your day has been so brilliant that your spirits don’t need lifting. But here’s what I hope you take away from this tonight.

If you are having “a day,”  you are not alone.  You can hang with me.  And the rest of us for whom some days are hard.  We can help each other through it.  Or at least laugh a lot trying.  This journey isn’t meant to be done alone.

Love to all.

stone mattress

in the quiet and the dark

I climb into my bed,

tugging up alongside me my worries and woes

about days gone by

and the things that they carry with them–

the regrets, the sadness, the doubts, and things not let go,

words left unsaid, things left undone

 

I tuck them in around me

and weary, I try to rest and fall asleep

on the stone mattress

I have made for myself

 

 

 

It’s Over…..

It's over!

It’s over!

This love affair is over.

I suppose it was bound to happen.  What has been full of love and affection and excitement for as long as I can remember is now OVER.  I’m done.  Let me out of this madness.

I’m done with Daylight Savings Time.

Since I was very young, I LOVED DST.  I could hardly wait for it to begin.  First weekend in April until last weekend in October.  I would get almost giddy as April approached.  Anyone want to know when the time change was happening?  Ask me, I always kept up with it.  And as the end of October approached, a certain sadness would creep in.  When they added on a few weeks of March and a few days in November, I was OVERJOYED.

But NO MORE.

I guess my first indication of trouble on the horizon occurred in 2007, when my little guy was almost six months old, and our Princess was three months shy of turning 3, and Aub was right at 12 years old.  My husband was deployed, and we were learning the ropes in our new neighborhood, new house, the first time he was gone since the birth of number three.  I was now extremely outnumbered.  Zone to zone defense was not even a possibility; my only goal was survival.  Because it didn’t get dark until around 9 p.m., I was likely waiting until 7 to get around to supper.  It was just how things were rolling.  I remember one evening when I was close to tears, the two littles were in tears, and I don’t recall Aub being very pleasant either.  It just wasn’t pretty.  At all.  I called Mama, as I would do, and just wanted some sympathy.  (On a scale of one to ten, I probably needed six “poor baby”‘s.)  She told me we were all too tired, and just bathe everyone and go to bed.  “But Mama,” I said through the gritted teeth and tears, “we haven’t had supper yet.”

“Tara, feed those babies.  They’re hungry.  Tomorrow night feed them at 5:30, bathe them, and y’all get ready for bed earlier.  Maybe that will help.”

And if you’ve been with me for very long in this, I am sure it won’t surprise you to find out that she was absolutely right.  The time change had thrown me all off.   In the winter we eat about dark, so I was programmed wait until closer to dark.  And up to that point, it had worked out okay.  But that was the beginning of the end.

Mama said she never was a fan of DST.  She dreaded it and didn’t like having to adjust.  I loved it so, and I would argue with her about it, trying to bring her over to my side.  I guess she never thought she’d live to see the day I would say I’m done with it, and I reckon she was right.  But Mama, wherever you are, I get it now.  Some days I beg for rain, just so I can have a reprieve from the happy happy joy joy of sunlight for over twelve hours. Each day.  And the pressure to make use of it.  All of it.

The last straw was tonight.  I’ve been feeling it for a while.  Honestly when the time rolled around in March to change the clocks, I was not in the mood.  The winter darkness suited my soul, and I just wasn’t ready.  So I guess I’ve been dragging my heels on this, not wanting to accept it.  Like when our little neighbor from one street over comes over at five minutes before 7 p.m. wanting to know if the littles can come out to play.  Or when there are still things I could be doing outside in the light, but my body is still on winter time, saying, “No, get ready for bed!”

It’s been a long year this weekend y’all.  Good mostly but very busy.  From the big festivities going on Friday to being tentative about today, visiting with our dear out of town friend, and still doing the “do,” I am tired.  So please forgive me for this “bad Mama” moment.  Everyone did get fed tonight, so there’s a plus.

I was putting things away tonight and had headed to the shower when there was a knock at the bathroom door.

“Yes?”

“Mama, I want us to take a Mother’s Day walk.”  It was the Princess.  Oh my.

“Really?  ‘Cause I’m getting in the shower. How about we go tomorrow?”

I won’t elaborate, but my tiredness and headache just said no, so her Daddy and her brother joined her.  I have promised to make it happen tomorrow evening, barring anything unforeseen.  Oh, the guilt.

I know.  Bad Mama.  But in my defense, it was after 7:30 p.m.  Doggone that Daylight Saving’s Time.  If we were in the middle of winter, we’d all have had supper, baths/showers, and be getting ready for bed.  That extra sunlight–it’s just too much pressure y’all.  I’m not up for it.  I don’t have all that in me.  I’m still in hibernation mode.  *sigh*  Maybe by the time we’re on the downhill slide in June, I’ll be a little more adapted.  But for tonight, me and DST–we’re over.  Or maybe I just need a nap.

pic of DST