the mouse who roars

twenty years ago tonight

i shared with the world a tiny secret

that i carried beneath my heart

tucked away with a life of her own

 

the impending arrival of my little one

shared with all

was greeted with handclaps and laughter

and tears

so loved and wanted

from the very, very beginning

 

barely formed two cells together

and already we were dreaming and planning

and tossing around names

one name stuck that night

“the mouse”

my Daddy could be so clever at times

 

twenty years ago tonight

i had stars in my eyes

joy in my heart

and a little fear too, if i’m being honest

i felt quite small and inadequate

to do the task before me,

to enter the “otherworld” of being mama

 

twenty years ago tonight

i had no idea the joy and worry

i would feel over this little one–

but mostly joy

and pride too,

and love

 

all the love

all the joy

never could i have dreamed that the little one

growing beneath my heart

would one day carry it in her hands

and become my best friend

 

tonight i weep a little

that four of those who celebrated

with me

that night are gone

the story is left for just two of us to share now–

of that night and the laughter and the excitement

and the hugs and the hope

she is our hope

for all the good things to come

 

twenty years

how is that possible

just yesterday i was barely beyond that

and awaiting her arrival

my little mouse

with the roar of a lion

 

she will change this world

for the better

just as she already has

mine

IMG_6722

“the mouse” when she had just begun

 

leaving pink behind

when she was old enough to know her colors

pink was all she loved

pink sheets, pink blanket, pink pajamas

pink everything

 

a year ago she began talking about purple,

how she pretty much thought it might be her favorite color–

it seemed more appropriate for someone one year shy

of being ten

she still loved pink

but purple came in and sat alongside

 

two days ago, I heard her say,

in what I can only describe as preteen adamance,

with regards to something her brother said,

“why did he tell me he’d get me that in–PINK?!?

doesn’t he know PURPLE is my favorite color?”

As.  If.

she has officially turned her back on pink

as though it never held a place of honor

much like other ones who have grown older and said

they never loved the purple dinosaur

though I can attest otherwise…..

but wisely don’t

 

I see her growing and leaving behind the things

of her childhood–

the miniature dolls she toted everywhere

now lie limply in the unzipped bag in the corner of her room

little Rosa, her black puppy that we could not leave home without,

I have not seen in months

hiding, I suppose, missing the little girl who named her that

because it means “pink” in Spanish

(she once loved Dora too, but we don’t talk about that anymore either)

 

she loved to dress up like princesses and could spend the day

learning and reading and playing in one of those dresses

only this year she wants to dress up like a wicked one, and I am left

pondering and remembering and intrigued–

that this sweet Princess is finding her darker side…..

 

so please, won’t you understand, that when she asked again,

just the other day,

for a lovely doll for the celebration of her first decade on earth

why my heart leapt and I am moving heaven and

earth

to find that doll and have one more day of make-believe and

tea parties

with my little girl

who isn’t quite so little anymore

before she leaves the purple behind too