The Day I Went To Prison

It occurred to me yesterday after my visit with Mac that it has been about two years since he took the first step on his journey to recovery.  Once again. It began with a long ride after being released from prison in Macon to a town about three hours away, to a beautiful rehabilitation facility where he made good choices and friends and dreamed dreams again.


But this story began a few months before.

He had turned himself in to an officer that had stopped by the gas station store that he frequented.  I think that had been in January.  He was tired of running, tired of that way of living, and he knew there were warrants out for him for probation violation.  Probation for things like panhandling, loitering, you know–the major crimes.  Anyway, turning himself in got him a bed and three meals a day.  And had me worried he wasn’t showing up on Sundays until I saw his name on the sheriff’s website.  We started writing letters back and forth.  I loved hearing his stories and dreams and the jokes he liked to tell.  In those letters we got to know each other pretty well.  He knew the way my littles preferred play over learning, that I loved to bake better than cook, and that the Fella loves old classic cars.  He sent notes and drawings to all of us, and we sent back pictures he could draw, stories to read, and letters sharing the ins and outs of our days.

And then, in one letter, he mentioned the visiting hours.  And asked if I could come.


I had never been to prison before.  I wanted to see this man whom I grew to call my brother.  I wanted to give him all the support he needed to make wise choices once he took that first step out of his cell as a free man.  He needed a good network of folks to walk with him, and I intended to be one of those folks.  But prison?

At the risk of being redundant, Wow.

As it turns out, different folks are assigned different visiting hours.  His was 1 p.m. on Sunday, along with several others.  He had to put my name and anyone else who might come on a list.  If you weren’t on the list, you weren’t getting in.  We decided that I would visit on this one particular Sunday, barring anything unforeseen happening.  All of this was communicated by letters, so there was a lot of room for miscommunication or total lack of.  That Sunday morning I got up, took care of the tea and coffee for the park’s Sunday night supper, and got ready to go.  What does one wear to visit prison?  A strange question, I know, but I was second guessing EVERYTHING.  I chose regular, casual clothes and worried over the shoes.  I had heard something about not wearing open-toed shoes, but I wasn’t sure.  I wore my flip flops and carried Aub’s boat shoes with me just in case.  I drove to downtown and found the tree-lined street on the back side of the jail where I’d be entering.  I parked the car on the street, and checked my clock.  12:45.  I was early.  I sat and took it all in for a few minutes.  Normal looking brick building with the exception of the painful looking wires at the top of the fence. And across the street?  A convenience store with “Lottery, Beer, Cigarettes” painted on the side.  Oh y’all, I nearly cried.  If Mac were released with no one to pick him up, I could be fairly certain that’s where he’d head.  After all, there was a phone outside there, if it even worked.  And the nearly three months of detoxing and not drinking he’d done would all  be for naught.  My heart broke, and I knew something had to be done.  How many leave that facility with no one to go home to and find themselves over at that store?  Its location was no coincidence, I felt sure.

I took a sip of water, rallied my spirit, grabbed my license and my keys, and headed in.  I had no idea what to do.  Everyone else waiting seemed to know exactly what they were doing.  I realize in hindsight that may not have been true, but at the time, I felt like I had a huge sticker on my head that screamed, “First Timer.”

I approached an officer who, it was obvious, was bored and didn’t have any warm fuzzies about folks coming to visit folks they cared about.  She looked on the card–the one that had my name and Mac’s Mama’s name and one other on it.  I almost wanted his Mama to come, so I could meet her and maybe there wouldn’t be a lull in the conversation.

Because it occurred to me–this would be the first time we’d talk in person with him sober.

I gave her my keys and license and prayed I wouldn’t set off any alarms with my belt or any metal pins I’d forgotten I had.  (One time in an MRI, I had a moment of panic–had nothing to do with claustrophobia and everything to do with worrying whether or not I had a pin put in when I broke my ankle.  In that moment, I forgot.  And I did again at the jail. FYI–No pin.)

At 1 p.m. on the dot, I was told which window to go to.  There were stools of sorts in front of the windows, but someone had blocked the bottom half of the window so you couldn’t see your friend unless you were standing up.  There was a phone to pick up and speak into and that was how we were to communicate.  After a couple of minutes of standing there, I saw a group of men in orange jumpsuits heading towards us.  I scanned the group, and there he was.  He grinned that grin of his, and I grinned back.  It was good to see him.  He had showered and looked well fed and well rested.  I was thankful.  He picked up the phone, and said hello.  Ah.

Only I couldn’t hear him.

At all.

I spoke and looked at him questioningly.  He shrugged and shook his head.  He nodded at the window two spots down.  Someone had come in, said two words to their person and left from that window.  I looked around for someone, anyone, to ask if that was okay.

Because let me tell you this.  If there is a place where one does not want to do ANYTHING wrong or upset ANYONE or cross ANY lines, it would be in prison.  They wouldn’t have far to haul me if they decided they didn’t like what I was doing.  Seriously.  I was worried.

But Mac had already moved down.  Why wasn’t there an officer supervising this?  What was I going to say–He made me do it?

After a moment of hesitation, I moved down and picked up the phone.  We could hear each other.  Finally.

Eventually I relaxed a little, once it became apparent no one cared that we had changed windows.  We visited and caught up from our latest letters.  He told me about his attorney visiting the day before.  About how sometimes he didn’t want to go to the meals, just wanted to rest.  I asked about him working on his novel, a western, and he said, no not right now.  Maybe later on he would.  We passed the time with stories and jokes and I can say for sure, an hour is a long time, when you are speaking into a phone and trying to find a comfortable way to lean/stand and staring through “glass” that has something running through it that makes focusing on the person on the other side really hard.

I loved the visit but as we hit the forty-five and fifty minute mark, I could tell that Mac was getting tired.  He has never had good balance, even stone cold sober, so this was wearing him out too.  We talked for a few more minutes and then said our goodbyes, with promises of writing and wishes for safety and good health.

I gathered my license and keys and thanked the bored officer and headed out into the fresh air of that overcast Sunday.  As I walked down the street to my car, free to drink the water in my own cup waiting for me in the vehicle I owned, I felt like I had a fresh pair of glasses to see through.  I had only spent an hour inside the facility, but it was enough to make me see and appreciate things a little differently.

Little did I know that day where life was taking us. That in less than a month I’d be walking back in that building to speak at Mac’s hearing, a suitcase full of what he needed in my car, waiting to take him to a place where he could heal and be with folks who could put tools in his kit for his journey ahead.  That just over a year later, he’d be sitting at the graduation for my oldest, having gotten permission to come back home for it from his transitional program.  That just two years later, he’d be sitting in almost the exact same spot he was the week before he went to prison, and he’d be grieving over his friend who died after being hit by a car while crossing the street, mad over his tent that was stolen from his “camp,” and worrying over another friend who “drinks 24/7.”

As I left him yesterday, I felt a push to give him two numbers I had in my purse in the car.  Two numbers of possible rehabilitation or transitional places.  I sat in the driver’s seat and copied them down.  When I walked back around to the opening in the gate, he had left his seat outside.  I went in and looked around.  I hoped I could find him.  And there he was.  In the technology room.  He came out when he saw me.

“Here,” I said.  “I think I’m supposed to give you these numbers.  They might not be the right places, but maybe they can lead you to one that is.”

He took the folded paper and started to tuck it in his pocket.  “Thank you.”

I looked him in the eyes. “And it’s okay, you know.  It’s okay.  No pressure.  Just for whenever you want to, you know, take that step.  Your decision.”

He was quiet for a second.  “I’m almost there.”  He nodded and looked at the paper again. “I am.  I called Joe the other day.”  Joe, who had run the transitional home he’d been in until last July.

“Did you?  Was that good?”

He nodded.  And he reached to give me a hug.  “Thank you.  I’ll be calling you.”

Tonight I’m thankful for this life that takes me outside my comfort zones and into places where I have to step up and love someone else.  It’s not easy, and I’m not always a willing participant.  But when I go, the rewards are phenomenal.  I meet folks whom I would never have met otherwise–people who bring richness and laughter into my life and stories that touch my heart.  I am thankful for the folks who raised me to listen and love all–it’s not easy but they set a good example to follow.  And a tough one.

And tonight I ask for us all to keep Mac and all of our brothers and sisters like him in our thoughts, prayers, hearts, and minds.  The ones who need someone to see them and hear them and love them through choices, good and bad. And when it comes down to it, isn’t that what we all need?


Love to all.


the heartbreak of addictions

Just to be clear.  Addictions do not discriminate.

Two men.

Two very different lives.

Both losing their lives to this disease.  And yes, addictions are a disease.  That’s non-negotiable.


Born to two who had been longing for him for years.

Raised with everything he needed and many things he wanted.

Born to a woman who couldn’t or wouldn’t

with his bag packed he became a part of a new family

A family where his needs were met, but love looked different

He took his first taste of alcohol at thirteen

and he liked it

He took his first taste of alcohol at thirteen

and he liked it

He had friends and they played football, had good times,

worked hard, played hard

and hung out at the pool on the weekends

He graduated top of his class

and made the highest score even though he was hung over when he took the test

He had friends in the neighborhood

They were full of mischief and mayhem and laughter

He dropped out of school as soon as he was able to

He went to college, graduated

moved back to his hometown

He married, had a precious child

became president of the company,

grew apart and divorced

He moved out on his own, lived hand to mouth

paycheck to paycheck

Worked construction

Severe injury and a settlement

Lived it up for as long as the money would hold

Bought a place, a motorcycle, lived with his love

He worked, he built up the business,

he married again, had a beautiful child

the drinking became harder to say no to

He started hiding it, morning, noon, and night

Passing out sometimes

Entered politics, wore his mask well

For a while

He lived it up, as did his friends,

until the money was gone

Then he moved home

He drank, his father died, his temper flared

He had nowhere left to go

He went to the woods

and the streets

and wherever he could find a place to lay his head

He made poor choices, judgment clouded by the alcohol

Divorced again, mask and business crumbled

Found another job, a good one, and somehow made it work

Landed on his feet, surrounded by friends and co-workers

who loved and cared and didn’t know

or turned a blind eye

He made poor choices, begged for food

Found a community of friends who took care of each other,

shared what they had

including the alcohol

His parents watched, hearts broken, but faces looking forward, hopeful

When his father died, his voice cracked and his heart broke

He married a third time

They drank together

He was trying to rebuild his life, but relationships fell apart

His mother watched and loved from afar, heart aching

Meeting him for breakfast, giving him a few dollars when she could

Taking him to get things he needed sometimes

He camped out in one spot until the police told him to move it along

So he found another place until the next time

In and out of jail, public drunkenness, loitering, panhandling

Jail was hard, detoxing each time, but there was food and a roof and warmth and air

He got sick

Scary sick

He was told his life was at risk

No more alcohol, no more, he was poisoning his body

He.  Must.  Stop.

And he tried.

As long as he could.

No one knows why he faltered.

He was in court-mandated rehab.  Once.  Twice. 

It was the third time that a door opened.  

One of the best programs in the country. 

He went there, he got stronger, he succeeded.  Made wise choices.  Sober.  SOBER.

Then a transitional program. 

But he couldn’t work for pay. 

His former injury or all of the drinking–who knew which? or both?–

had rendered him unable to work 

He wanted to do more, like all the others

He struggled with it

He came home for a visit, staying in a hotel, as he wasn’t allowed back home

And he drank just one.  And then another. 

Back on the streets. 

Hard.  Cold.  Hungry.  He was allowed to come back to the transitional home. 

Another visit home months later. Doing so well. 

And another visit.  And he made the choice. 

Powerless over the disease. 

He reached his hand out and took it. 

Sobriety thrown out like week-old bread.  Almost without a thought. 

Members of clubs, titles like president, treasurer, trusted friend, respected co-worker

Such a good mask wearer, even when his own body was betraying him

Smiles and handshakes and an aching pain

He went back to his life on the streets,

depending on the missions and the kindness of strangers

He is alive but he must bow to the whims of others

To those who turn away when they see him,

to the police who chase him from his safe places,

forcing him to leave his few precious belongings

with the hopes that he can return later and retrieve them

to the alcohol addiction that has such a strong hold over him.

So many things he has lost over the years

So much life he has lost

So many dreams

He wanted more, he still does,

he just can’t connect the dots–he can’t put it down for good. 

The disease is in control and taking his life. 

In the end his body could take no more.

The damage had been done.

He had dreams that never came to be.

He wanted more, he wanted to do more.

But it was over.  Way too soon.

The disease was in control and took his life.


Addictions do not discriminate.  They take the educated, the well to do, and the poor.  The charming and the loners.  The good friends, the fathers, the sisters, the children, the brothers, the mothers, and the ones no one seems to know.  The only difference between the addictions’ taking the successful and their taking the forlorn is that more people mourn the loss of the successful–they seek answers and make up excuses for what happened.  The loss of the forlorn somehow makes sense to people and they don’t struggle with it as much.  If they even hear about it.  The truth is that every loss to this disease is tragic and awful and a heartbreak for all of humanity.  And it won’t change until we recognize it as a disease and start treating it as such.  It’s not easy.  In fact, it’s a very complicated disease, and it hurts not just the person who has it, but all those who care about him or her.  We have to somehow separate the addicts from the disease, love them, and assist them in finding the help they seek.  In the words of my Daddy, “You can want it for them, but you can’t do it for them.”

This is an equal opportunity disease.  Folks from all walks of life are vulnerable.  It must be talked about and prevented and treated.  The best way to begin is to love and offer understanding and support.

Great thoughts on other addictions can be found in this great post here.


your voice comes back to us

recorded on paper, written, thought out

what you said, what you wished for

the dreams that never came to be

the life lost to the things that held onto you

and wouldn’t let go

demons, darkness, distractions


you once believed in all that could be

we must believe that ourselves and hold onto it

so many questions, the hope that you once dreamed

and believed they could happen

is all we have now



what happens in hearts that cannot be untangled–

who cannot break away from the grasp of the cold?

why must they be lost forever

until completely swallowed up by the worries and fears

that torment them deep inside



the happy smiles, the jovial laughs, we all want to hide behind the mask

never let anyone in to see the mess inside

oh if only we could have seen

if only you had let us in



denial, pride, fear, shame, pain

are not friends to the soul

they tear it apart and break it to the core

until there’s nothing left but a life lost

too soon, too much, too heartbreaking



wishing it were all a dream

and we could all have do-overs

a chance to go for it again, to run, to leap,

to soar

and to turn it all around

and stick the landing



but it seems

that is for movies of the week and fairy tales

when in truth we falter, we trip, we fall and cannot pick ourselves back up

all the while smiling with the mask we’ve made

Yes, I’m fine, all is well, just fine and dandy, and you?



in this life, there’s not always a second chance or third or fourth

and a faulty landing can earn us far worse than a low number on a scoreboard

or a bumpy ride down a runway

it can take us down

and out



I promise to try to look beyond the masks of others

and try to trust and not hide behind my own



if only we had ripped yours away, grabbed you by your shoulders,

looked you in the eyes

and said,

“I know”

“I understand”

“I want to hear your story” or

cried out, “I want to help!” and then

did something, anything to help you change your course



but we didn’t speak

and you didn’t trust

and now your voice is silent

except for what is written

beautiful words of dreams and plans and love and laughter



you planned a good life

and now, my friend, you have it

your journey is over, the tears you never let go are wiped away

peace be with you




--from "Over When It's Over", Luke Laird/Eric Church

–from “Over When It’s Over,” Luke Laird/Eric Church